Mumbai Local's 17-Point Fun Wishlist for Railway Budget

Need Superheroes to reach the other side!

Railway budget 2012-2013 will be presented on 14th March 2012 (rail budget schedule). We will probably watch it live / read the highlights / tweet about it. And then we will praise / curse it for a couple of days only to forget all about it by the next week.

So, how about creating a Mumbai Local's Fun Wishlist for Rail Budget... sochne mein kya jaata hai:

1. Superman and Spiderman services: For those who prefer crossing tracks over using FOBs... Reach-The-Other-Side services at a premium of course!
2. Meru Trains, Mega Trains, Easy Trains... (Hire a train... get a pick-up and drop at your doorstep).
3. Relispray Exits: Special exit doors for those who injured their shoulders, feet, heads, etc. in the dhakka-mukki.
4. Sleeper compartments: People who love to sleep need not use other commuters' shoulders as pillows!
5. Half-priced season tickets for fourth-seat occupants.
6. Haath dikhao, train roko: Running late for work and you might miss the train? Just wave to make it stop for you!
7. 70% discount for standees.
8. Air-conditioned local trains with aroma diffusers.
9. Ban on pointed heels.
10. Fine on Deodorant-less travel.
11. Web check-ins: For guaranteed window seats! (idea taken from a Twitter follower of this site)
12. Heavy fine for those who litter: Make them pick litter for a month.
13. Separate compartment for shoppers and vendors: Love to shop while travelling? Board this compartment.
14. Chillam-Chilli zone: Sound-proof areas in compartments where the arguing men and women can proceed with their jhagdaas!
15. Railway announcement text indicators: Scrolling text transcripts of the announcements they make at railway stations... kuch toh samjhegaa!
16. Fixed table-chair arrangement for college girls who want to complete their journals while travelling.
17. Expandable compartments: Compartments will automatically expand based on the commuter inflow.

Like it? Feel free to add to the list / share it with fellow commuters / friends.
How about joining us on Facebook / Twitter.

Addition to the list by Mumbaikars:

1. Automatic Beep censor system in compartments as a replacement for abuses. (contributed by Deepa Nair)

 You may also like to read:

1. Railway budget 2012 Speech highlights - LIVE Blogging

2. Dinesh Trivedi's Shaayari during Rail Budget Speech

3. Rail Budget posts on this site (Railway budget highlights of 2009, 2010, 2011 and 2012)

4. Railway Budget 2012 and Mumbai / Navi Mumbai

    

 Click here for all the Rail Budget posts on this site (Railway budget highlights of 2009, 2010, 2011 and 2012).

Read More

The 4th Seat Rules

4th Seat might be a non-existent term in the first class gents compartments of Mumbai local trains. However, in the general and ladies compartments the fourth seat means a lot. Also, there are quite some unspoken, unofficial rules and fundas surrounding the famed fourth seat. Let me take you through the list:

1 - It is the fourth seat occupant who sits sideways / occupies the least seat space. If two places are already occupied and you and a 'competition' aim for those, there's a simple rule. You can't occupy the 4th seat completely leaving negligible bum space for the third seat occupant. Firstly, it leaves three people sitting uncomfortably. Secondly, it results in blocking the standee space between two benches.

2 - The fourth seat occupant has to struggle a lot as people walk through the gangway. The knees are brushed and the feet can be stamped with many heels. If you are wearing a saree, God bless you coz the saree pleats can be spoiled.

3 - The fourth seat occupant gets the least ventilation in a crowded train.

4 - The fourth seat occupant can be subjected to holding the cardboard boxes when vendors selling accessories carry out their business in the trains.

5 - When window seat, second / third seat commuter gets up, it's the 'right' of fourth seatwaala to slide inside leaving the fourth seat vacant.

No one's going to penalize you if you do not follow these unofficial rules, but unless you want to invite nasty looks and arguments and unnecessary kichkich, you rather treat this as a guide when you travel by a Mumbai local train.

PS Nothing's official about all these points. It's just and attempt to make your commute peaceful and jhagdaafree!

Read More

Nimbu Mirchi in Local Trains

Female vendor selling raw mango, nimbu and mirchi achaar for Rs 20 each packet in CST train.
A lady wants nimbu-mirchi combination achaar.
The vendor says buy both and mix them at home!

Read More

Beginners' Guide to Travelling in Mumbai Local Trains

Guest post by Blessen Varghese a.k.a. 'Mallu Mumbaikar':

1. Travel as light as possible with little or no luggage. If you do have a luggage, then make sure you also have your name on it or else some stranger might come to the happy realization that his great grandfather’s uncle’s brother-in-law had lost a similar bag/suitcase in 1936 and stake his claim over it.
2. Avoid peak hours, which would be, let me see… ahem… almost throughout the day! Basically, avoid traveling!
3. Make sure you are not allergic to the combination of sweet ‘aroma’ of oil, fish and sweat! If you are, constant traveling will make you get used to the same.

4. If you are a first-class traveler, then be sure to apologize for accidentally pushing or stepping on someone. If you are traveling by second-class, then be street smart and blame the ‘accident’ or ‘incident’ on the person standing behind you. Before doing this, make sure there IS a person standing behind you or else, you will be in big trouble.
5. Amongst all the good qualities that a Mumbaikar possesses, politeness is NOT one of them. So, if someone is hell bent on picking up an argument with you, be polite and remain as quiet as possible. Your attitude will surprise him. The guy that is picking up the argument might just have had a fight with his wife at home and may be removing it all on you!
6. If your station is just five stops away from the starting point, then don’t be dumb in trying to find a seat, for if you do, you may never be able to get off even after the tenth stop. Remain standing, and do so closer to the door that you will be getting off from! If you do not know which side your platform falls, then ask your co-passengers. But make sure the person you ask is not a mirror image of you yourself. You might just end up either on a wrong station or on the tracks, the latter being not a very exciting prospect!
7. If you are going to be a regular traveler, catching the same train and hoping onto the same compartment will help you make new friends. These guys will stand by you whenever there is an argument.
- As posted in Blessen Varghese's blog. 

Read More

Common lies you hear in Mumbai local trains

Mumbai local trains have created many liars... but what to do, the trains are so crowded and add to the daily stress. Here's a list of the common lies we get to hear. Do add to the list here in the comments section or post on Twitter with #trainlies #mumbai-localtrains.com

 1. “Oh Madam, zyaada smart nahi banneka. Mere pass FIRST class pass hai isliye iss compartment mein hoon. But I won’t show it to you. Jo karne ka hai karo!” (By some commuters who travel 1st class without valid pass.)

2. “Mujhe next station pe utarney ka hai isliye door pe khada hoon, mujhe koi shauk nahi hai idhar hawa khaaneka!” (By some commuters who travel in footboard of super-crowded trains only to get some air... don’t be fooled, they are not getting off until the last station!)

3. “Arre mera ticket mere husband ke pass hai, par woh gents’ compartment mein hai...” (by ladies who travel ticketless, however 50% times it’s genuine!)

4. “She pushed me.” (By the one who pushes you ahead and blames on someone else who blames someone else...)

5. “I am at Khar only, will reach Bandra in 5 minutes.” (By a commuter who just boarded the train from Andheri and whose friends are waiting for him at Bandra for 30 mins.)

Read More

Lying in crowded trains

So what if sitting or standing is almost impossible in crowded local trains. Lying is surely possible!

Now we are well aware of the 'loudspeakers' in trains . All right, speaking loudly to fellow passengers during the act of pushing, hurting, hitting, seat sharing, hair combing, littering, elbowing... is something we are used to. But there are certain 'loudspeakers' that make all of us smile in unison. The liars!

So how many times have you come across such situations in trains:

1. Woman loudly complaining on the phone as a CST bound train crosses Vashi station: Where have you been? I reached Wadala an hour ago. Since you had not reached, I was on my way back and have already reached Chembur. Will return in 30 minutes!
2. Woman screaming when the train reached Mahim station: Yeah yeah, I am at Dadar only. Cant see you.... Oh may be I am on the other bridge... will call you back.
3. Man politely explaining to wife over the phone while boarding a Virar fast from Bandra: Arre I could not board a Virar fast. I had to take a Borivali slow. Now I went to another platform at Borivali to take a Virar train, but there is no train for the last 15 minutes.
4. THE BEST ONE: Damn, there's so much traffic!

Read More

You know you are in a Mumbai local train when...

I recently read an interesting post on Mumbai. Though I had earlier written a few posts on the kind of commuters you come across in Mumbai local trains, I was inspired to pen something new now. So here I go:

You are a smart and sensible Mumbai Local Train commuter when you know that:

1. Asking strangers at which station they intend to get off is nothing to feel shy about
2. Booking a seat in advance in a Virar local is proving you are smart
3. Asking for a 'fourth seat' in a first class gents compartment is a crime
4. Not reaching near the door (towards your left hand side) until Andheri approaches, when you have to get off at Goregaon, is sheer stupidity
5. Tying up / covering your curly / long hair will avoid commuters standing just behind you to ask you from doing so

Read More

Main pehle utrungi types (I'll be the first to get off the train)

Perhaps they never won any running race in their school days. Perhaps they were always the first from the last. These people seem to have just one motto in life – Leave the world behind, be the first one to get off the train.

So they move fervently towards the door of the local train. They don’t care if the train is crowded, if their pointed heels offer acupuncture to many a feet or if their WWF champions type heavy weight body crushes the lean mean creatures around. They are dead serious when they decide, “Main pehle utrungi / utrunga” (I’ll get off first), and who knows they might even drop you dead if you come in their way!

But don’t worry. It’s not tough to recognize and save yourself from these types. If you notice any or all the following, you have spotted them right:

• The train is packed like hell with no scope to move even your eyelids. Still you observe a person, just one person, moving her shoulders.
• They generally make sounds like – chh…, chh chh…, shhya…, uff…
• With heavy and big shopping bags, they occupy much greater space than their body’s diameter.
• They manage to ask each and every person in the compartment, “Where would you get off?”, “Are you getting down at the next station?”, “Why are you standing here?”, “Are you travelling for the first time?”, “Do you have a proper train ticket?” etc.
• They try to show that they are facing the maximum problem in the crowded train

So, keep these tips handy and have a safe journey. May you not come across the Main pehle utrungi types!

Read More

Bombay local - people in view are larger than they appear

Yeah, on my journey back home yesterday, a much stronger lady tried to fit herself in a space between me and the 4th-seat-stubborn female. She obviously ended up resting herself on my lap. Hello! I understand that the female was tremendously tired and needed rest, and when that dumb 4th-seat female wasn't ready to shift a bit for the benefit of all, the stronger female was left with no choice but being my laptop!

So I got up and went to find another place, incidentally facing these 2 females. after a while I heard some noise, of course, the ladies were fighting. The strange part is that I was quiet, trying to forget, the stronger female was quiet, trying to forget. The people who were fighting were the 4th-seat-stubborn female and an onlooker of the entire episode. The subject of the fight: Why the hell the 4th-seat-stubborn female doesn't compromise!

Damn. All I and the stronger female did was shared some blank and tiresome glances.

The worst was: I lost my favourite comb on the seat I left. I miss it so much :(

Read More

'Yunki main jyaada baat toh nahi karti' types

Now these ones are the reincarnation of our popular Basanti from Sholay. These local train commuters talk talk all through the journey. They generally appear in groups of two or more. So if you are seated or are standing besides them, here is what all you get to know about them:

1.How irritating their mother-in-laws & sister-in-laws are
2.How irregular their bais (housemaids are)
3.How sacrificing they themselves are
4.How annoying and opportunistic their bosses are
5.How useless their colleagues are
6.How did they like the latest movie...
7.What a bloody @#$#@# their ex-boyfriends were

Well, the list is endless, so please wait for the version 2 of this post.

I would like to thank Kavita for her interesting inputs on this post.

Read More

'Main deodorants mein believe nahi karta' types

Meaning - I don't believe in wearing deodorants. These species found in local trains are the ones which cast such a spell on your senses that you inadvertently end up holding your breath / nose. They surely know how to keep people at bay and have enough space for themselves. And if you are the unlucky types, you well end up standing in a crowded train under the shelter of a human-repellent arm.

Annu's suggestion to the Non-'Main deodorants mein believe nahi karta' types:
Scream, "What is this weird smell around?"
or
Remove a deo from your bag and spray it all at the source of the odour.
or
Try holding your breath for the longest possible time. You never know one day you'll become a Guinness World Record holder for the same!

Meet funny commuters in Mumbai local trains right here!

Read More

'Maine ticket khareeda hai, main raja jaise baithunga' types

Space has become a vital part in the life of some of our 'smart' Bombay local train travellers. And I'm not talking about the space that we need in our life.

Meet 'Maine ticket khareeda hai, main raja / rani jaise baithunga / baithungi' ('I've bought the ticket, I'll sit like a king / queen') types.

They are 'trained to push the world, rush to the window seat and rest their weight on the fellow travellers. Did I mention that for this once, these people love to show off that they are fatter than they appear - they need more space to sit.

And God forbid if these kings and queens don't get a place to sit, they stand on our feet as if our feet were a carpet. These are the same class of people who never miss a chance to train even their 4-year old this royal technique.

Beware, these types are everywhere in Bombay's local trains - gents and ladies compartments alike. Did I mention that a fourth seat in the gents compartment DOES NOT EXIST? If someone happens to ask a third seat man to shift, that 'seat-beggar' is assumed to be a non-first class ticket holder.

Annu's suggestion to the Non-'Maine ticket khareeda hai, main raja jaise baithunga' types:

1. Peaceful minds, avoid the neighbourhood of such people.
2. In case, you are the rebel types, be prepared for high decibel level voices and insults.
3. Embarrassing the hell out of these types can be the only solution for rebels.

Read More